As a father, I found this essay deeply thought-provoking. Parenthood certainly changes our priorities and can teach us how to step beyond ourselves. But I especially appreciate your final point: meaning is not limited to parenthood. It grows wherever we commit ourselves wholeheartedly to caring for others and to something greater than ourselves.
I appreciate how you break down your thoughts, but your essay is very bereft of another historical fact: previous generations connected a good amount of spiritual meaning and fulfillment to having children. From an anthropological perspective, that counts for something-many people today still place value on the viewpoint that they are bringing another soul into the world. A soul that can touch other souls, change the world, contribute to it. This is an objectively meaningful reason to engage with parenthood-planned or unplanned, whether you personally believe in any kind of higher order to things or not.
Hi, Margaret. Sorry about the guy who, rather than engaging in thoughtful discussion with you this morning, insulted you. People develop such bad manners on social media! But not to worry—he won’t be back.
To address the point you make, we are coming from different perspectives. I don’t know what you mean by “a soul.” If you can explain it to me, I would be grateful.
Furthermore, although it is true that a child you make can contribute to the world, that child can also suffer terribly and die prematurely. If we had good reason to think that the latter would be the case, wouldn’t it be wrong to bring the child into existence?
I would argue that in ages past, this was the compromise between what you label as the “thinker” versus the “feeler” approaches (as, after all, opposites attract and most couples are probably split on each mode of thought).
I just wish people were more mindful and thoughtful about bringing another being into this world. It doesn't matter if you are a 6th grade failure just put some thoughts before reproducing and you would make the world a better place for both you and the upcoming generation
Parenthood can be viewed as a conscious long-term project and, in a sense, as rediscovering life through another person’s eyes. I would only add that changing diapers and breastfeeding are hardly the most difficult parts. The real challenge is years of responsibility, uncertainty, and learning to support a child without turning them into an extension of yourself.
William I so appreciated this. It resonates. It aptly provides perspective and prompts reflection on the undertow of decision-making that is applicable to so much of our lives. The values and beliefs and muscle memory that silently shape our decisions come to light here. Fascinating piece—thank you—the thinker!
I for one am glad that my parents did not overthink having children however I did carefully consider having my own and did. From experience I can say that being completely ready for some may mean they will never have children because it is a leap of faith and if you are a person who is never satisfied you won’t.
Hi, salma. Sorry about that, but wouldn’t you find it even more disturbing if parents in, say, Sudan made a baby, knowing full well that it would soon starve to death? Wouldn’t this attempt to “share love with the world” be tragically misguided? This is the danger of letting your heart hijack your head.
A thoughtful and provocative piece. I appreciate the distinction you draw between reflective parenthood and instinct-driven reproduction, though I’d add one note from the perspective of a gay man with my husband who chose not to become parents. For many of our gay friends who did decide, the decision isn’t automatic or hormonally “hijacked”. It’s deliberate, hard-won, and also rooted in a deep sense of responsibility. The “Thinker” model resonates, but so does the truth that love, commitment, and meaning can emerge just as powerfully in families formed by intention rather than biology. Great piece. Thanks for posting.
Thanks, William. That’s a great parallel. There’s something revealing about who has to fight for an institution versus who can take it for granted—or even treat it as disposable. What your piece surfaces, and what I keep circling back to in my own work, is how much intentionality shapes gay/queer life. Whether it’s marriage, parenthood, or simply the act of building a life that isn’t handed to you by default, so much of what gay men do is chosen with care rather than inherited by inertia. That’s why your “Thinker” model resonates with me. I appreciate your openness to the variations within that: the parents, the non‑parents, the partnered, the single, the ones who marry, the ones who don’t. Keep the thoughts and thinking coming!
The reason why I said CULTURE is that I realized it is similar that most of people think. I really appreciate this post having your kneel sight because I have too overthought within my world only to have and raise a baby.
I know still it is very important matter.
But this post is worth that you can provide fresh air for one topic.
My english skill is not good, but I hope to deliver my sincere meaning in this comment you!
I'd go further and pull the floor out from under the whole framework. The essay assumes a Thinker who freely weighs the pros and cons — but the reasons we weigh with were never chosen by us. The values, the fears, the very thing that makes "meeting a child's needs" feel like a moral duty rather than noise — all of it was installed before we arrived: by evolution, upbringing, the hormones you describe. We don't choose our reasons for choosing. The Thinker isn't reasoning toward a decision; they're narrating one that was already set upstream.
Which quietly dissolves the Thinker/Feeler distinction. The Feeler is moved by loins and gut; the Thinker is moved by inherited premises they mistake for their own conclusions. Both are being run — one just has better PR. That doesn't make the choice meaningless, but it does change what "responsibility" can mean. Maybe the most honest move isn't to decide well, but to notice you were never the one deciding — and act anyway, without the flattering story that your reasons are yours.
The same thought you're trying to spread put some countries in the state of low birth rate. I thought people, especially from West and some Asian countries, learned their lessons.
The Thinker/Feeler split is useful — I just keep snagging on which one we actually are. You say hormones hijack the head, but the head usually shows up after the body's already decided, just in time to write the press release. So the "Thinker" who reasoned their way to a kid might be a Feeler with better narration.
Makes me wonder if the skill isn't thinking instead of feeling — it's catching when your thinking is just your feeling in a suit.
As a father, I found this essay deeply thought-provoking. Parenthood certainly changes our priorities and can teach us how to step beyond ourselves. But I especially appreciate your final point: meaning is not limited to parenthood. It grows wherever we commit ourselves wholeheartedly to caring for others and to something greater than ourselves.
I appreciate how you break down your thoughts, but your essay is very bereft of another historical fact: previous generations connected a good amount of spiritual meaning and fulfillment to having children. From an anthropological perspective, that counts for something-many people today still place value on the viewpoint that they are bringing another soul into the world. A soul that can touch other souls, change the world, contribute to it. This is an objectively meaningful reason to engage with parenthood-planned or unplanned, whether you personally believe in any kind of higher order to things or not.
Hi, Margaret. Sorry about the guy who, rather than engaging in thoughtful discussion with you this morning, insulted you. People develop such bad manners on social media! But not to worry—he won’t be back.
To address the point you make, we are coming from different perspectives. I don’t know what you mean by “a soul.” If you can explain it to me, I would be grateful.
Furthermore, although it is true that a child you make can contribute to the world, that child can also suffer terribly and die prematurely. If we had good reason to think that the latter would be the case, wouldn’t it be wrong to bring the child into existence?
I would argue that in ages past, this was the compromise between what you label as the “thinker” versus the “feeler” approaches (as, after all, opposites attract and most couples are probably split on each mode of thought).
Articulate.
Ohh my comment was too long for you. Sorry.
I’m thinking you are probably on the wrong app. You should go back to your CNN and go tweet your feelings.
I just wish people were more mindful and thoughtful about bringing another being into this world. It doesn't matter if you are a 6th grade failure just put some thoughts before reproducing and you would make the world a better place for both you and the upcoming generation
You forgot the obvious reason for having and bringing up children.
That is the only certain meaning i life.
It is the foundation of our existance.
It is the propagation of human existence.
DNA:s ultimate ourpose is to survive and propagate.
We are its vehicles.
Apart from all filosofical digressions one fact remains.
Without offspring - humanity and with us - the conscious world cease to exist.
Hi, Johan. Aren’t chimps and dogs conscious?
Parenthood can be viewed as a conscious long-term project and, in a sense, as rediscovering life through another person’s eyes. I would only add that changing diapers and breastfeeding are hardly the most difficult parts. The real challenge is years of responsibility, uncertainty, and learning to support a child without turning them into an extension of yourself.
William I so appreciated this. It resonates. It aptly provides perspective and prompts reflection on the undertow of decision-making that is applicable to so much of our lives. The values and beliefs and muscle memory that silently shape our decisions come to light here. Fascinating piece—thank you—the thinker!
I for one am glad that my parents did not overthink having children however I did carefully consider having my own and did. From experience I can say that being completely ready for some may mean they will never have children because it is a leap of faith and if you are a person who is never satisfied you won’t.
Making babies is creating love and pouring them in this world .. and your thoughts are disturbing
Hi, salma. Sorry about that, but wouldn’t you find it even more disturbing if parents in, say, Sudan made a baby, knowing full well that it would soon starve to death? Wouldn’t this attempt to “share love with the world” be tragically misguided? This is the danger of letting your heart hijack your head.
What I find more disturbing is westerners beginning to make moral judgments on whether black people should have children. Usually ends badly
Have you ever being to Sudan?
No, but I've seen news reports from it.
A thoughtful and provocative piece. I appreciate the distinction you draw between reflective parenthood and instinct-driven reproduction, though I’d add one note from the perspective of a gay man with my husband who chose not to become parents. For many of our gay friends who did decide, the decision isn’t automatic or hormonally “hijacked”. It’s deliberate, hard-won, and also rooted in a deep sense of responsibility. The “Thinker” model resonates, but so does the truth that love, commitment, and meaning can emerge just as powerfully in families formed by intention rather than biology. Great piece. Thanks for posting.
Hi, WQAC: I agree. Maybe a parallel: gays fighting for the right to marry, a right that many straights can’t be bothered to exercise.
Thanks, William. That’s a great parallel. There’s something revealing about who has to fight for an institution versus who can take it for granted—or even treat it as disposable. What your piece surfaces, and what I keep circling back to in my own work, is how much intentionality shapes gay/queer life. Whether it’s marriage, parenthood, or simply the act of building a life that isn’t handed to you by default, so much of what gay men do is chosen with care rather than inherited by inertia. That’s why your “Thinker” model resonates with me. I appreciate your openness to the variations within that: the parents, the non‑parents, the partnered, the single, the ones who marry, the ones who don’t. Keep the thoughts and thinking coming!
Hi I am in Asian culture.
The reason why I said CULTURE is that I realized it is similar that most of people think. I really appreciate this post having your kneel sight because I have too overthought within my world only to have and raise a baby.
I know still it is very important matter.
But this post is worth that you can provide fresh air for one topic.
My english skill is not good, but I hope to deliver my sincere meaning in this comment you!
I'd go further and pull the floor out from under the whole framework. The essay assumes a Thinker who freely weighs the pros and cons — but the reasons we weigh with were never chosen by us. The values, the fears, the very thing that makes "meeting a child's needs" feel like a moral duty rather than noise — all of it was installed before we arrived: by evolution, upbringing, the hormones you describe. We don't choose our reasons for choosing. The Thinker isn't reasoning toward a decision; they're narrating one that was already set upstream.
Which quietly dissolves the Thinker/Feeler distinction. The Feeler is moved by loins and gut; the Thinker is moved by inherited premises they mistake for their own conclusions. Both are being run — one just has better PR. That doesn't make the choice meaningless, but it does change what "responsibility" can mean. Maybe the most honest move isn't to decide well, but to notice you were never the one deciding — and act anyway, without the flattering story that your reasons are yours.
The same thought you're trying to spread put some countries in the state of low birth rate. I thought people, especially from West and some Asian countries, learned their lessons.
The Thinker/Feeler split is useful — I just keep snagging on which one we actually are. You say hormones hijack the head, but the head usually shows up after the body's already decided, just in time to write the press release. So the "Thinker" who reasoned their way to a kid might be a Feeler with better narration.
Makes me wonder if the skill isn't thinking instead of feeling — it's catching when your thinking is just your feeling in a suit.