Making Babies

Thinking About: Decision-making

It is unlikely that our ancestors on the savannas of Africa consciously decided to make babies. They were “wired” so that having sex felt good, and they happily responded to this incentive. In a time before contraception, this often resulted in pregnancy, and months later, a baby.

We have inherited the wiring of these ancestors, and as a result, having sex still feels good, but our circumstances are dramatically different. Because reliable means of contraception are available, we can have sex with minimal risk of pregnancy. Consequently, we have it in our power to have sex without making a baby, meaning that to a considerable extent, we get to decide whether or not we make them.

Consider a “Thinker couple,” by which I mean a man and woman who think rather than feel their way to conclusions. They will devote careful thought to the question of whether to make a baby. It is, after all, one of the most important decisions they will ever make, because of the impact it will have not only on their subsequent life but on that of the person they bring into existence.

Meanwhile, a “Feeler couple” will be inclined to engage in what might be characterized as “thoughtless reproduction.” Rather than relying on their head to make reproductive decisions, they will consult their heart, gut, and—not to be forgotten—their loins. If their sexual activity results in pregnancy, they might consider their options. Should they abort the fetus? Should they carry it to term and put the resulting baby up for adoption? In many cases, however, they will simply have and raise the child without giving the matter much thought.

People sometimes deliberately make a baby with a specific goal in mind. An insecure man, for example, might father multiple children as evidence of his virility, and a narcissistic man might father them because he believes he can benefit humanity by propagating his genes. Another man might be interested in fathering not just a baby but a son, to carry on the family name. A lonely woman might make a baby so someone will love and need her, and a “stage mother” might want to have a daughter who, with the mother’s coaching, will achieve the fame that eluded her.

A couple might make babies in an attempt to salvage what they perceive to be a failing relationship, or so there will be someone to take care of them in their old age—and maybe keep their gravesite tidy after they die. A couple might also make babies in response to outside pressure. The source of this pressure might be parents who want grandchildren or a government that thinks the country needs more citizens.

A Thinker will challenge the morality of these choices. In deciding whether or not to make babies, Thinkers will take their own desires into account, but their primary concern will be the well-being of the person they bring into existence. It is one thing, a Thinker will remind us, to make a decision that subsequently makes our life worse or even ruins it. We will have brought it on ourselves. It is quite another for us to make a decision that has a negative impact on the lives of other people and in particular on the life of an innocent child.

Before making a baby, a Thinker couple will ask themselves whether they are willing to assume responsibility for their child’s future well-being and development. It is quite a burden to shoulder. If they are willing, they will go on to ask whether they are in a position to meet a child’s physical and emotional needs, and if the answer is no, they will forgo parenthood. To do otherwise would be morally irresponsible. If they concluded that they did have it in their power to meet a child’s physical and emotional needs, the couple will, in keeping with the decision-making process I have described, turn their attention to the pros and cons of parenthood.

The list of cons is lengthy. Raising a child is costly, both in financial terms and in terms of a radical change in lifestyle. As parents, they would be confronted with odious tasks like changing diapers. Much of the spontaneity of their life would disappear. Their partying days would be over, as would their ability to go to a restaurant or see a movie on a whim. The vacations they used to take and adventures they used to have would become distant memories, as would nights of unbroken sleep.

On reading this list, we might assume that no one in their right mind would become a parent, but consider this. As a result of being pregnant, a woman’s brain will be flooded with a cocktail of “love hormones,” including oxytocin, which plays a role in emotional bonding and feelings of warmth and connectedness to the baby; prolactin, which makes the woman want to care for the baby; dopamine, which makes caregiving pleasurable; and vasopressin, which seems to play a role in bonding her not only with her child but with her mate. Realize, too, that although males don’t experience pregnancy, interactions with their baby can trigger some of these hormones, and as a result, they emotionally bond with their children.

In these posts, we have examined the manner in which our heart, gut, and loins can hijack our head. People who make babies are highly susceptible to such hijackings. In evolutionary terms, this is understandable. Because it takes human children years to develop mentally and physically, they would perish if their parents didn’t nurture them for an extended period. Evolution has therefore wired us to do just that. By flooding us with hormones, it changes our values in a manner that makes the “cons” of parenthood more tolerable.

Realize, too, that parenting has its rewards:

• As a parent, we can watch our child discover our world, and in the process, rediscover it ourselves.

• By making a baby, we create someone who loves and needs us, which is wonderful. More significantly, though, we create a being on whom we can lavish our love. (Pop quiz: If you had to choose between being loved and having a capacity to love, which would you choose? I would choose the latter.)

• Parenthood can also endow our life with meaning. It gives us a reason to get out of bed each day, provides a structure for that day, and more broadly, gives us a reason to live.

• Parenthood provides a doorway that lets us get “outside ourselves” so we can see the world from a new perspective. Before becoming a parent, our top priority was probably our personal needs, wants, and well-being. On becoming one, those priorities will likely get shuffled, and as a result, we might discover that our top priority is the well-being of this tiny person we have created. Would we die for that child? Of course!

Having said this, two caveats are in order. To begin with, to derive the benefits of parenthood, it isn’t enough for you to make a baby. It also isn’t enough for you to dutifully play the role of parent. You must instead pour yourself into that role. Do so, and you can trigger a personal metamorphosis. Realize that this is possible to do even if, rather than creating a child, you adopt one.

Furthermore, pouring yourself into the parent role is only one of many ways in which you can create a new, meaningful life for yourself. You can instead, for example, pour yourself into the role of teacher, artist, activist, innovator, nun, or caregiver. Many people will be better suited to these roles than to the role of parent, so it is wonderful that we have these options.

Need more food for thought? Click here for my past essays, listed by title.